The Question I Get Asked More Than Any Other
“Oh my gosh, how do you do it all?”
People ask me that all the time. In social settings, with other entrepreneurs, in messages from people who follow along here.
Part of it is validating. Another part makes me want to take a deep breath and exhale.
Because the honest answer is: I don’t.
What You’re Not Seeing
Doing it all looks different for everyone. Let me tell you what mine actually looks like.
I am not watching the show or movie everyone won’t stop talking about. I don’t have summer Fridays. I am not at happy hour after work or lunch on a random Tuesday.
The list could go on. A lot of people my age move through these rhythms naturally. I don’t.
That was a choice. It is also the reality of the ambition and the career I chose.
If you’re in a demanding field, you already know what I mean.
Even with all of that, even with the choices I’ve made intentionally, it’s still hard.
There are weeks with real anxiety underneath it. Moments where I’m exhausted in a way that’s hard to explain. Nights where the weight of it all shows up in ways I didn’t expect.
Doing less doesn’t make it easy. Sometimes it makes it even harder!
But choosing intentionally doesn’t make it perfect. It just makes it yours.
And what I do have, I chose just as intentionally.
Consistent workouts. Sauna and cold plunge. A close circle of friends and family I actually want to be around. Shabbat every single week, synagogue, leading Jewish events. Work that genuinely matters to me, showing up every day for the ambitious men and women I get to work with.
So when people tell me I have balance, I laugh.
I’m not sure that’s the right word.
Why Balance Was Never Going to Work for You
Balance doesn’t fail everyone. It fails ambitious people specifically. And nobody is talking about that.
You’ve seen the content. The “day in the life” videos that rack up views because somewhere underneath it all, you’re watching and thinking, I want that. And then closing your phone, feeling like a failure.
Which is exactly the point.
Balance sounds and feels like something a well-adjusted person has quietly figured out while you were busy trying to keep everything from falling apart.
But here is what nobody is saying. Ambitious people don’t just want balance.
They want perfect balance.
All in or not at all.
The same quality that makes you exceptional is the exact thing that makes balance impossible to achieve.
Someone won’t start working out because they can’t commit to seven days a week, so they do nothing.
Someone won’t eat differently because they can’t be perfect every day, so they never start.
Someone won’t invest in a relationship because they can’t show up the way they think they should, so it quietly fades.
The standard is so high, they never begin. Or they quit.
It feels like discipline. It presents itself as high standards. What it actually does is rob people of the middle.
That’s where the loneliness lives. The burnout. The anxiety that won’t quiet down no matter what you accomplish. The low confidence that creeps in not because you’re failing, but because nothing ever feels like enough.
No ambitious person wants to half-ass anything. I sure as hell don’t.
But when we don’t allow ourselves to take one foot in front of the other, the brain takes the easier route. Skip it completely. And that’s how the cycle continues.
The gray isn’t a consolation prize for people who couldn’t achieve balance. It’s the only sustainable path for someone wired the way you are.
It asks you to release the perfect version and work with what actually fits your life.
None of that is settling. All of it is choosing with intention.
The Reframe
Alignment is just this: your life actually reflects what matters to you.
Not what looks good. Not what you think you should want. What you would actually choose if no one was watching.
There are always trade-offs and compromises. Nobody escapes that. The only question is whether yours were chosen or whether they just happened while you were too busy to notice.
Flexibility is what makes this sustainable. Not perfection.
The ability to adjust, recalibrate, and keep going without burning it all down and starting over.
Most people never stop long enough to ask the question. That pause is where everything starts to shift.
Where to Start
This isn’t about fixing everything. It’s about understanding how you’re wired.
- Notice where all or nothing is costing you. Where are you doing nothing because you can’t do everything? That gap is the gray.
- Ask what halfway actually looks like. Not the perfect version. The version that fits today.
- Find the friction. Where does your life feel out of sync with who you are? That’s where the all-or-nothing pattern hides.
- Stop optimizing for perfect. Optimize for fit. Does this belong in the life you’re actually building, or the one you think you should have?
This isn’t a one-time exercise. It’s something you keep returning to and anchor into.
What I See With the People I Work With
Everyone arrives differently. Different career, different pressure, different version of the life they’re trying to build.
But the question I hear underneath almost all of it is the same one I asked myself. Not “how do I do it all” but “how do I feel okay inside the life I actually have.”
That is where the real work begins.
Not doing less. Not shrinking your ambition or softening your drive. Your ambition got you here. It’s real, it’s yours, I would never ask you to put it down.
It’s about understanding what’s driving it. What it’s costing you. What it would feel like to stop managing your life and actually choose it.
I don’t have it all figured out.
I still take that deep breath when someone asks how I do it all.
But I know what my anchors are. I know what I’m choosing and what I’m trading. And that clarity, even on the hardest weeks, is what makes it livable.
That’s what I want for you too.
If something in this hit close, I’d genuinely love to hear it. Hit reply and tell me. Those messages mean more than you know.
Let’s Keep Growing: What’s Next For You
Thank you for being here. Really. Every time you open one of these emails, it means something and I don’t take that lightly.
If this sparked something for you, I’d love to hear it. Just hit reply or email me at ellin@mentallyfitwithellin.com. If you enjoyed this read, the best compliment you could give is to share it with one person or restack it.
If you’re new here or my thoughts from this week really resonated with you, I’d love to talk more. Community is everything to me, and my 10-minute community chats throughout the week are something I always look forward to. Here’s the link to set one up!
Mentally Fit With Ellin is a community of thousands of like-minded people committed to growth, resilience, and mental performance. As a licensed therapist and performance coach, Ellin Gurvitch started this to give everyone access to the tools needed to develop sustainable habits and enhance mental well-being. Make sure you’re subscribed so that each week you’ll receive practical mindset tools and performance strategies delivered to your inbox.
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– Ellin